I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize