Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
