I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
