hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
