Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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