I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
