i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
