As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
