Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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