I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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