im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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