Only a mothe r could love this liver
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
