rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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