wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Found the puke drawer
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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