Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
