he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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