Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
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I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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