I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
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So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
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WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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