it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
