My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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