What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
