Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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