she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
