The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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