my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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