Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
