woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
