That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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