I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
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Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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