Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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