Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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