last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
