There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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