After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize