Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I have fence marks all over my body
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
