Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
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