I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
