Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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