It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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