made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
