she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
