i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
