we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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