Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
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