I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
