Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
