if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
