i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
