I just pynch a tree in the face
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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