I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize