I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
