She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
