Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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