Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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