Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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