hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
