i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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