my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
People with herpes should wear stickers.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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