How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
